Pulling Into the Gas Station
If you’re coming back after reading last week’s post, you’ll recall that we discussed the importance of paying attention to the emotional dashboard. What is my body trying to communicate to me right now? When we ignore these warnings, we can end up in a dangerous situation; with the car, this would be you on the side of a busy interstate, with our emotions, this might look like blowing up at your boss during a tense meeting because of unresolved issues from other parts of your life.
So you noticed that your dashboard light is on, now what? Many times in addiction, we turn to something like porn because it makes us feel good when we’re not. When you’ve been rejected, porn doesn’t turn you away. Our hearts are longing for fulfillment. Rather than going through the difficult and often painful experiences of finding love, acceptance, affirmation, etc. in real life, we settle for short-term pleasure. The feelings you might be fleeing from don’t have to be scary. Mister Rogers often said, “anything mentionable is manageable.” I often tell my clients that we turn the shadow of a mouse into a monster instead of realizing that we’re dealing with a tiny creature with no power over us. When we acknowledge where we are and what we’re feeling, we begin the process of healing and recovery. You cannot gain victory if you are unaware of the bondage you are under.
Because we’re working on practical tools, let’s lay out a few for starters.
Journaling: This is a go-to for me with clients. Nouwen writes that “One of the most satisfying aspects of writing is that it can open in us deep wells of hidden treasures that are beautiful for us as well as for others to see.” He also says “To write is to embark on a journey whose final destination we do not know.” When we write we begin to notice things about ourselves that we have avoided that could become a gift for ourselves and others.
Carving out time to notice: As adults in our world today, we cram our schedule so full of activity, giving ourselves little time with our own thoughts. Some of this behavior could relate to a fear of going into our hearts and minds. Because of the fear of all-consuming judgment waiting for us to open the door, I suggest carving out a small amount of time to begin, perhaps just five or ten minutes. Practicing something like mindfulness could also be a useful tool. When we sit in our thoughts and feelings for short windows of time, we give ourselves permission to feel deeply when it is safe so we don’t have our feelings come out at inopportune moments.
Therapy: Addiction is isolating and discouraging. Having someone to talk to about it can be monumental in discovering our worth, chosenness, and ability to be loved for who we are, not for what we give to others.