What Is Your Motivation: Shame or Guilt?
I’m not sure about you but I hear about shame a lot! Being a therapist, shame is often woven into the threads of numerous mental struggles. Relationships can be shame-laden. How we view ourselves can be skewed by the voice of shame as well. What has become increasingly apparent during my time as a counselor is confusion surrounding shame and guilt. What gets chalked up as a different name for the same definition leads to an abundance of uncertainty. “What am I truly feeling and dealing with?” “Are my motivations based on shame or guilt?” This last question is loaded with revelations! Let’s break it down.
First, let’s define each of these terms to get a better understanding. The voice of shame says “I am bad. I am unlovable and unacceptable. If people knew the secrets I have, the thoughts or actions I have done, they would reject me.” The voice of guilt is far less accusatory. It is not, “I am bad” but rather, “I have done some wrong.” Guilt is like our consciousness moving us to correct course and to make a change.
Now that terms have been addressed, let’s explore how each of these presents themselves and how they get tangled up in motivations. Generally speaking, shame can be connected to fear. If we think about fear as a motivator, it can be shown through defensiveness, power dynamic struggles, and aggression, or isolation. Boiling this down it to simple terms, think of “fight or flight.” Whatever needs to be done to protect ourselves from the fearful being is what must be done. Guilt on the other hand reveals that our actions have harmed ourselves and others. This outward focus directly contradicts the shame focus and illustrates a sort of “love” focus.
Because guilt is easier to work within ourselves, I’m going to shift our attention toward shame for the remainder of our time. Shame makes us feel small, worthless, and powerless.
Because of our vulnerability, we tend to move inward almost like a turtle does within its shell to protect itself. Shame lives in the darkness and isolation. It wants you to live there for the rest of your days. How do we counter such a strong, illogical voice? We have to slowly move out of the shell. In order to become vulnerable, we have to know that others are trustworthy. When we hold our shame out before us, we need to know that others will stay with us, accepting who we are. Perhaps one of the worst things that could happen to someone working through shame would be to have someone confirm the lies they’ve been telling themselves, those being “You are worthless and no one wants or loves you.” At the core of our being, each of us wants to be seen, known, accepted, and loved. We desire to be chosen despite the mess. It is only through this acceptance that we can move from shame to guilt. Love is the key to healing and eliminating the haunting voice of shame.
Finally, when it comes to the question of motivation, I find Nouwen’s insights surrounding “The House of Love versus The House of Fear” to be helpful. When we look at the bigger picture we might see that our decision to not return a call to our best friend is because we are afraid of getting hurt by them again. We reside in the House of Fear. If our delayed call was based on a willingness to give our full attention, but at the present moment we are unable to do so, this could be coming from within the House of Love. Take a look at some recent situations and apply this lens. Are you coming from love or fear? The truth can be revealing! Hopefully, with greater insight, we can begin to make changes that bring us back into balance.