Am I too far gone?
Dog say, “I say no. I’ll find you and bring you back!”
“Do you feel like you’ve lost everything you can lose?
This is it, can you hear me?
When you cry do your tears ever chill up the room?
Calling out in a moment of need.
Do you ever lay awake with a look in the eye?
Asking God if a wish is too big to deny
I will offer a line, and it’s ready for use.
Let me know are you ready for me?”
A common theme I repeatedly hear from people stuck in sexually addictive behavior is that they fear they are too far gone. For Christians, this might come through a fear that even God would reject them. Is any person so far gone that God cannot bring them back? Scripture says that Jesus would leave the 99 sheep in search of the one lost soul. God is like the dog pictured above, he’s going to hunt you down and bring you back into the herd. There is also the profound miracle of Jesus raising his friend Lazarus from the dead. A more applicable image to use could be that of the Prodigal Son. The son goes and asks for his inheritance, thus telling his dad he wishes the father was dead. The son sees that relationship as dead and sets off to enjoy the good things of the world, perhaps numbing from the feelings he has had. His journey is one where he flees from his support system and turns to isolation and distractions. Finally, he experiences what some might call “rock bottom.” He sees clearly how desperate things really are. Perhaps for you, you’ve been caught looking at porn, meeting up with escorts, or sexting with a coworker. While the son tries to make do living with pigs, he realizes he needs outside help. He needs the love of his father. Upon his journey back home, the son likely wrestled with thoughts of whether he’d be rejected, disowned, or seen as a monster for what he’d done. Boy was he surprised when he came close to home to see his father running to meet him! God’s love is an active pursuit. He invites the whole community to embrace the son and to help integrate him back into flourishing. What is more surprising here, that the Father would be waiting for the son or that the village wished to help him get back on his feet? Addiction often leaves the individual feeling like they’re unloveable and unwanted. We turn the mouse in the corner into a giant monster when we focus on the shadow. Reality says that you’ve goofed up but that doesn’t have to be the end of the story. Like the song above, the father says “I will offer a line, and it's ready for use. Let me know are you ready for me?” Each of us is called to make the journey as the prodigal son and to become something more. Nouwen (1994) writes,
Although claiming my true identity as a child of God, I still live as though the God to whom I am returning demands an explanation. I still think about his love as conditional and about home as a place I am not yet fully sure of. While walking home, I keep entertaining doubts about whether I will be truly welcome when I get there. As I look at my spiritual journey, my long and fatiguing trip home, I see how full it is of guilt about the past and worries about the future. I realize my failures and know that I have lost the dignity of my sonship, but I am not yet able to fully believe that where my failings are great, 'grace is always greater.' Still clinging to my sense of worthlessness, I project for myself a place far below that which belongs to the son. (p. 52).
The important truth each of us needs to remember is, “If God is compassionate, then certainly those who love God should be compassionate as well” (Nouwen 1994). If you fear rejection, know that you are lovable. You are beloved. Let yourself be loved. If taking that step with someone close to you is too hard to fathom, give me a call and we can walk this journey together.