Healing Through Boundaries: How to Set and Maintain Boundaries During the Holidays
Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially during the holiday season, when social expectations and family gatherings increase. For individuals with past trauma or difficult family dynamics, boundaries are essential to preserving mental health and emotional well-being. Boundaries protect your energy and create space for self-care, allowing you to navigate holiday interactions with resilience. Drawing insights from leading experts on trauma and resilience—such as Brené Brown, Bessel van der Kolk, and Gabor Maté—this post explores practical tips for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries to foster a calm and grounded holiday season.
Why Boundaries Are Essential for Mental Health
Boundaries are more than simply saying “no.” They are acts of self-respect and self-preservation that reflect your needs and values. Brené Brown, author and researcher on vulnerability and shame, emphasizes that boundaries are about “self-respect” and “self-compassion.” Boundaries give us permission to prioritize our own well-being, which is essential for building healthy relationships with others.
Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma expert and author of The Body Keeps the Score, points out that boundaries are particularly crucial for trauma survivors. People with past trauma often have a heightened sensitivity to criticism, rejection, and emotional triggers. By setting clear limits, they can prevent these triggers from taking over and reduce anxiety during family gatherings.
5 Key Steps to Setting and Communicating Boundaries
Boundaries can be difficult to set, particularly if family members are used to certain patterns. The following strategies can help you establish and communicate boundaries in a way that fosters healthy interactions.
1. Identify Your Needs and Set Intentions for the Holiday Season
Before interacting with family, take some time to reflect on what you need to feel safe and supported during the holidays. Consider your emotional limits, preferred activities, and areas of conversation you want to avoid.
Brené Brown suggests setting intentions based on what truly matters to you. Ask yourself: How do I want to feel during this holiday season? What steps can I take to protect my peace? These questions can help clarify what boundaries are necessary to achieve your goals.
2. Use “I” Statements to Clearly Communicate Your Boundaries
When setting boundaries, it’s essential to communicate them in a way that focuses on your needs rather than on others’ actions. “I” statements can help you express boundaries without creating defensiveness.
For example, instead of saying, “You always criticize me,” try, “I feel uncomfortable when certain topics are discussed. I’d prefer if we avoided them this holiday season.” This approach aligns with Brown’s concept of “clear is kind,” as it directly and kindly conveys your needs.
3. Prepare for Pushback and Stay Grounded in Your Decisions
It’s common to encounter pushback when setting boundaries, especially from family members who may not understand your choices. Trauma expert Gabor Maté suggests that people with a history of trauma can be particularly vulnerable to guilt and self-doubt when others question their boundaries.
Before a gathering, prepare mentally for potential pushback and practice standing by your boundaries. Remind yourself that your well-being is a priority, and that saying “no” can be a courageous act of self-care. Maté encourages people to cultivate inner validation to offset external judgment.
4. Use Grounding Techniques to Stay Calm When Boundaries Are Challenged
When boundary-pushing happens, grounding exercises can help you stay calm and centered. Bessel van der Kolk recommends practices like deep breathing or sensory grounding, which activate the body’s relaxation response and reduce stress.
One technique is to place your hand on your heart and take a few deep breaths, focusing on the sensation of warmth. This can remind you of your inner strength and provide reassurance in challenging moments.
5. Follow Through with Boundaries Consistently
Setting boundaries is the first step; following through with them is equally important. If a family member crosses your boundary, gently remind them of your needs. Consistency reinforces your boundaries and shows others that you’re serious about protecting your well-being. Following through on consequences that have been communicated will also show the boundary violator that the typical pattern will not be continuing.
Brené Brown emphasizes that reinforcing boundaries with kindness and clarity teaches others to respect them. Over time, consistent follow-through can create a healthier dynamic with family members.
Examples of Boundaries to Protect Your Well-Being
Establishing boundaries during the holidays can look different for everyone. Here are some common boundary ideas that you can adapt to your needs:
Time Limits: Set limits on how long you’ll spend at family gatherings or events, allowing yourself time to recharge afterward.
Conversation Boundaries: Decide which topics are off-limits, such as discussions about politics, relationships, or past family issues. Let family members know if certain subjects make you uncomfortable.
Self-Care Breaks: Take short breaks during gatherings to ground yourself and reflect on your emotions. Having a designated retreat space or safe place can offer comfort and relief from intense interactions.
Expectations for Communication: If family members tend to be critical or emotionally draining, set expectations around how you prefer to communicate. For example, let them know if you’ll be limiting time on your phone or in group chats to avoid overwhelm.
Saying No to Events: It’s okay to decline invitations that don’t support your well-being. You don’t have to attend every gathering or participate in every tradition. Remember, you are not responsible for the feelings of others. Your mom might feel disappointed by you not being there. Allowing her to feel what she feels honors her while also honoring yourself and your boundaries.
Boundaries and the Role of Vulnerability
While setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability suggests that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. She often says that “vulnerability is the birthplace of courage”. Setting boundaries can make you feel exposed, but it also empowers you to take ownership of your life. By honoring your needs, you’re creating an environment where you can thrive authentically, even if that requires navigating difficult conversations.
Tools to Stay Centered While Reinforcing Boundaries
Maintaining boundaries requires emotional resilience, particularly when faced with resistance. Here are some expert-backed tools to help you stay centered and empowered:
Mindfulness Meditation for Emotional Balance
Meditation can help you stay connected to yourself and reduce anxiety. Practice short, mindful pauses throughout the day to center yourself and manage stress.
Brown highlights that mindfulness helps cultivate resilience and inner calm. Set aside a few minutes each morning to meditate and reinforce your inner strength. One of my personal favorite mindfulness tools is Balance.
Journaling for Reflection and Self-Awareness
Journaling can be an effective tool for processing emotions that come up around boundaries. After gatherings, take time to reflect on your experiences and any emotions that arose.
Brown suggests using journaling as a form of “rumbling with vulnerability.” It can help clarify your feelings and provide insight into how to better navigate family dynamics in the future.
Visualization for Confidence and Calm
Before gatherings, visualize yourself confidently setting and enforcing boundaries. Picture yourself responding calmly, even in the face of pushback.
Visualization is a grounding practice endorsed by Dr. Gabor Maté, as it can help you mentally prepare for potentially challenging situations and increase your sense of control.
Honoring Your Growth and Prioritizing Your Needs
Setting and maintaining boundaries during the holidays is a powerful act of self-respect. By clearly defining your limits and following through on them, you’re honoring your growth and prioritizing your mental health. Remember that boundaries are not about rejecting others; they’re about honoring your own needs and creating space for self-compassion. Honoring yourself in turn honors others. If this is new to you and you’d like some help, give me a call! I’d love to walk with you in this journey.
This holiday season, embrace the courage to set boundaries that protect your peace. Experts like Brené Brown remind us that self-compassion and respect are at the core of boundary-setting. You have the right to shape your experience in a way that supports your well-being. Celebrate this season in a way that aligns with your values, and remember that protecting your peace is the ultimate gift you can give yourself.