Navigating Family Triggers During the Holidays: Practical Strategies for Staying Calm and Centered

For many, the holiday season is a joyful time for gathering with loved ones. But for those dealing with past trauma or challenging family dynamics, family gatherings can bring a unique kind of stress. Seeing relatives or revisiting old routines can often stir up unprocessed emotions and memories, making it easy to feel overwhelmed. By learning practical strategies to navigate these triggers, you can approach the holidays with more calm and confidence. In this post, we’ll explore expert-backed tips from leaders in trauma and resilience—including Brené Brown, Gabor Maté, and Bessel van der Kolk—to help you maintain your well-being and stay grounded.

Why Family Gatherings Can Be Triggering

Family dynamics often influence how we view ourselves and interact with others. Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that early family relationships shape the way we regulate emotions and respond to stress. If your family history includes neglect, criticism, or unprocessed trauma, gatherings may bring up unresolved emotions, leaving you feeling anxious or on edge.

Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability and shame, highlights how shame often plays a role in family stress. When we return to family environments, we may feel pressure to conform to old roles or avoid discussing topics that could lead to criticism. Understanding these dynamics and knowing your triggers can empower you to set boundaries and protect your mental health.

Practical Strategies to Stay Calm Amidst Family Triggers

While it’s not always possible to avoid triggering situations, there are ways to stay calm, grounded, and prepared. These practical tools can help you maintain balance, even when family gatherings become emotionally challenging.

1. Set Clear Intentions and Boundaries Before the Gathering

• Before any family event, it’s essential to set your intentions. Decide what your goal is for the gathering—whether it’s connecting with certain family members, staying calm, or simply being present. Keep your expectation within your realm of control. You might not be able to make grandma happy, but you can choose to stay present during your conversation with her.

• Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability reminds us that setting boundaries is crucial for self-respect and well-being. She often says, “Clear is kind,” meaning it’s okay to state your boundaries honestly without over-explaining or justifying them. It is natural to feel nervous about doing this. Perhaps role-playing with a friend or loved one could help figure out exactly what you want to say before you get to the real deal.

• Define boundaries around what topics you’re willing to discuss, how long you’ll stay, and any self-care needs that will help you feel centered. Setting these boundaries allows you to prioritize your peace over others’ expectations.

2. Practice Mindful Breathing to Reduce Anxiety

• If you feel anxious or triggered during a gathering, mindful breathing can help you stay calm. Trauma expert Gabor Maté emphasizes that intentional breathwork sends a signal of safety to your nervous system, which can reduce anxiety and reactivity.

• Try this simple technique: inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for a count of six. Repeat several times until you feel more grounded. Focusing on your breath can center you in the present moment, creating a buffer between you and your triggers.

3. Utilize Grounding Exercises for Real-Time Calm

• Grounding techniques, such as sensory grounding, can help anchor you to the present when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Bessel van der Kolk suggests grounding as a way to calm the nervous system and regain a sense of control.

• Use the “5-4-3-2-1” technique to engage your senses: notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This method can provide a calming distraction and help reorient you during moments of stress.

4. Plan for Recovery Time After Family Events

• Giving yourself time to recharge after a family gathering can help you process any lingering emotions. Set aside time for a restorative activity you enjoy—whether it’s journaling, walking in nature, or taking a nap. If you are traveling to see family, build in a rest day upon your return to ensure you are getting recharged before jumping back into life.

• Brené Brown’s research emphasizes the importance of honoring your energy and well-being without guilt or shame. Remember that self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential for showing up as your best self. As Brown says, “You can’t take care of other people if you’re not taking care of yourself”.

Empowering Tools to Build Resilience During the Holidays

When family gatherings bring up unresolved emotions, it’s natural to feel vulnerable. Developing resilience strategies can help you move from a place of reactivity to a place of calm strength.

Journaling for Reflection and Processing

• Journaling is a powerful way to process emotions that arise after family interactions. Brené Brown advocates for journaling as a tool for “rumbling with vulnerability” and understanding complex feelings.

• Consider writing down any thoughts, memories, or insights that come up after family gatherings. This practice can bring clarity and self-compassion, allowing you to validate your experiences without judgment.

Visualization Techniques for Centering and Calm

• Visualization can be a valuable tool for feeling more grounded. Dr. Gabor Maté recommends imagining a “safe space” in your mind that brings comfort and peace. This safe space could be a favorite place, a calming scene, or even a color that makes you feel safe.

• When triggers arise, close your eyes and visualize this safe place, taking deep breaths as you immerse yourself in the image. This practice can create a mental break, helping you approach family interactions from a calmer state.

Focus on Self-Compassion and Forgiveness

• Embrace self-compassion throughout the holiday season. Brené Brown’s research shows that practicing self-compassion reduces stress and anxiety, especially when confronting difficult family dynamics.

• If you feel triggered or reactive, remind yourself that these responses are normal, especially for those healing from past trauma. Showing kindness to yourself in these moments can help you move through them with greater ease.

Practice Gratitude to Anchor Yourself in the Positive

• Practicing gratitude can serve as a powerful anchor, bringing focus to the positive aspects of the holidays. Consider starting a daily gratitude practice, such as writing down three things you’re grateful for each day.

• Gratitude, as Brown notes, doesn’t mean ignoring your challenges; it’s about honoring the good things alongside them. This practice can help you build a balanced perspective, making it easier to navigate difficult family dynamics.

Creating a Personal Plan for the Holidays

This holiday season, consider creating a plan that aligns with your values, supports your mental health, and acknowledges your unique needs. Remember, you have the power to shape your experience and redefine the holidays in a way that feels authentic to you. With practical strategies and insights from experts like Brené Brown, Gabor Maté, and Bessel van der Kolk, you can approach family gatherings with resilience, compassion, and a sense of calm.

Embracing boundaries, grounding practices, and self-compassion doesn’t just reduce stress—it’s a powerful step in healing and reclaiming your well-being. This holiday season, prioritize what feels right for you, and give yourself the gift of peace, presence, and self-acceptance. If you need help preparing for the stress of the holiday, give me a call! I’m happy to walk with you during this time.

Final Thoughts

Navigating family triggers during the holidays can be challenging, but with the right tools, you can build resilience and approach gatherings with greater peace and self-assurance. Remember that your well-being is paramount, and it’s okay to celebrate in a way that honors your growth, boundaries, and values. Each holiday season is a new opportunity to create meaningful experiences, and every act of self-care contributes to a healthier, more empowered you.