Shame and the Shoulds
“What does your exercise look like?” This is an early question in the intake process of therapy with my new clients. What seemingly appears to be a normal, light-hearted question quickly turns revealing. I hear a range of responses but one that stands out is “I should do more.” Stop and notice that for a moment. SHOULD. This word appears a lot in the language of our world today. It speaks to an expectation that more needs to be done, that we have not yet reached our full potential, or that others have an image of what our life needs to look like. The shoulds go beyond exercise. They get inserted into our idea of what it means to be a parent, lover, child, coworker; the list goes on and on.
Shoulds and shame often go hand in hand. Jonica Bradley writes that “Shame is crippling, immobilizing, incapacitating, paralyzing. Nothing good comes from shame.” You could sub out the word “shame” for “should” and you’d be amazed by the same results. Shame and the shoulds are like two parts of the same coin. Using the “should” language is like placing a dictator in charge of our lives. The dictator doesn’t come to power on his own. We hand him the keys!
If we imagine a hypothetical client, let’s call him James, we’ll get a better understanding of how shame plays out when the shoulds are the common narrative.
James is a teenager. As a senior in high school, he is clearly aware of his future and the need to get into a good college. His whole life is riding on this one decision. He states that he “has to make sure his choice is perfect.” When his grades aren’t quite on par with what his parents want, he replies to his therapist, “I should be able to do better.” His grades aren’t suffering due to effort. His lack of an A+ drives him to spend more time and energy “getting things right.” As time goes on, his added effort gives him the same results, James becomes more and more discouraged. To keep up this image of a high-achieving senior, James begins to cheat. Internally James feels out of control. He hates that he “has to” cheat to get by but he is consumed by the desire to remain an image of having it all together and being the perfect student and son.
This case study is made up, but it mirrors a lot of the trends that I see in clients with sexual addiction all the time. (If you’re looking for another example of how the “shoulds” play out, consider reading this article from Psychology Today.) One of the standard, reoccurring traits of clients is the need to keep up a certain image, for many, to appear “perfect.” Unfortunately, no one is created perfect. A lot of mental and physical energy gets exerted to keep up a facade that is impossible. Talk about an exhausting trend! Sometimes this image of perfection is put on oneself, at other times it can come from someone else, many times a parent. The underlying message of shame and the shoulds is “I am unlovable if people knew who I truly was.” Fear rules their decision-making and actions. Over time, this pattern becomes a habit. Using “should” in language becomes the norm. Karen Horney, author of Tyranny of the Shoulds, writes in an example “The question as to what he wanted most did not enter his mind at all.” How mind-blowing is that thought?! When we give the keys to our life to the shame dictator, we forget that we have the power to take control back. Life does not have to be this way. We can change these disordered cognitions.
So, how do we do that? We begin to refuse to participate in the game that has been played. By eliminating the “should” language, we can begin to make the choice for ourselves again. Determining what it is that you desire and making the goal reasonable can be hugely influential. Check your motivation. Does it feel like someone is forcing you to do something that you wouldn’t choose for yourself? Do you get the sense of some external pressure or expectation? If so, you might want to reevaluate your goal. The shoulds still might be grabbing a hold of your life and decision-making.